My Journey (Renee Graziano)
My Journey
By Renee Graziano
My name is Renee Graziano, and my journey has had many sharp rights and plenty of lefts, making it one chaotic ride! However, today I am on a road that is wide open, and I am now able to see all the beautiful stops along the way.
To give you a brief look into my past addiction, I’ll start by telling you it didn’t start with drugs! My story starts with my relationship with and the attention from my parents. I was 1 of 3 girls and as a baby, I suffered from high fevers where I had to receive a couple of spinal taps. To this day, my parents never found out what the cause was. I share that because the attention I received was insurmountable compared to my older sister (older by 8 1/2 yrs.). She had a huge resentment towards me so much so, that when I was 6, she decided she was going to try and hang me. She tied a red, white, and blue jump rope around my throat and was going to hoist me but was stopped by my mother. My younger sister (by 3 1/2 years) also didn't like me and on another occasion, tried to stab me with a butter knife.
This disconnect made me crave acceptance and for them to love me, but it also made me feel like there was something wrong with me. My family's lifestyle wasn't of the average person. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad, well let's just say he was a real life "goodfella”, a mob boss, so our home life was unique back in the 70. We grew up on Staten Island where most families were normal, BUT NOT US AND DEFINITELY NOT ME!
As my father climbed the ranks, he also spent more time out of the house. Looking back, I can see how this affected me. At this time, I was in 5th or 6th grade and I was being bullied by 2 girls who always included me in the beginning, then uninvited me last minute, AGAIN making me feel different.
Fast forward to high school and my first boyfriend was a popular guy (3 years older) and his father knew who my dad was, so I thought that would be great. However, I was wrong, and he became very abusive, very abusive. In the 1st year dating, I was introduced to cocaine by both my older sister and my first boyfriend. I liked it. It made me unable to think of all the things people told me was wrong with me. I always felt that I wasn't as smart as my younger sister and my mother made it known, but unbeknownst to her, I don’t think she was aware of how damaging this was.
My older sister hated me cause of the attention I received when I was younger, so she always made fun of me for being super skinny (I think she was also very jealous because she was heavier than me). The 2 girls in school said I was ugly, and I always thought it had to be true because my parents never told me I was pretty. To top that off, I stayed with a guy who abused me because I believed that everything everyone told me was true!
MY CHILDHOOD SET THE STAGE FOR A VERY SAD FUTURE!! One day I came home with a black eye and my father asked me what happened. I told him about the abuse, and I couldn’t see my boyfriend anymore. From the ages of 16 to 20, I started to party and get into other things. I met my now x-husband and I am so grateful HINDSIGHT is 20/20. He was charming at first and told me I was all he dreamed of. He told me I was beautiful, sexy, and that he wanted to marry me.
Well, that was good enough for THIS VERY INSECURE GIRL. However, I chose to ignore the red flags like, how he just got out of federal prison, came from a very screwed up broken family, and then had serious drug addiction and mental illness. His father abused his mom who ended up dying from HIV due to her own addiction. Regardless of it all, I married him. My cocaine use got worse because now I was using to numb my pain. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED but succumbed to being victimized from all the abuse.
Out of that relationship, the only good thing that happened was I became a mother to my incredible son. During this time, my now x -husband became was unfaithful with another woman and ended up getting her pregnant.
When I confronted him, he became abusive in front of my 5 yr. old son. So, on November 30th, 1998, I packed my son and left to escape his abuse. It was also the 2nd time my father went to jail, as well as all the other men in my family. This is when I started medicating with pain medication due to the shattered sacrum in my back from my ex. I also underwent a huge surgery. These two situations kicked off a 16 yearlong battle addiction. I was prescribed Oxy 80s, 8 milligrams of Xanax a day, diet pills, and water pill antidepressants.
My first overdose was at 37 years old. My mother unsure of what to do and how to support had me admitted to a psychiatric hospital where a 72-hour hold was placed on me. SHE WAS EMBARRASSED TO SAY I WAS AN ADDICT SO SHE THOUGHT SAYING I LOST MY MIND WOULD BE BETTER. This BACKFIRED big time and I was SEXUALLY assaulted 3 hours before being released and spent the next 2 weeks with very acute patients, which I felt reinforced unhealthfully what everyone had ever said about me in my mind.
When I was 40, I was gifted the chance to be on TV in a reality show created by my little sister. I felt like this was my chance to be a star and show everyone I was SOMEONE. I DIDNT CARE WHO I WAS OR WHO I WAS GOING TO BE. I JUST WANTED TO BE ANYBODY BUT ME.
TV was the hardest thing I've had to overcome thus far! I did become A HUGE STAR, BUT I ALSO COMPROMISED MYSELF for others, for the power, attention, and the financial freedom that it gave me.
It was also the first time I went to rehab (2010). It was then that I gave up pain meds, but not cocaine or Xanax. My addiction was now depression, anxiety, and chaos.
Between the ages of 40 to 50, I’ve overdosed 3x. I’ve been to 6 rehabs and detox. Then in 2019, my hero died. That's right my dad left me, and it made me want to die too, but I knew I couldn't. I used more Xanax and cocaine. Then in 2020, I got sober (just a little more background on my using; I never used every day- there was a 5-year period of abstinence and every time I went to treatment, I collected anywhere between 4 to 7 months).
So, in 2020 I got clean and sober and was able to put 10 1/2 months together. It was the absolute best I ever felt, so I thought it would be a good idea to date again and I ended up with a narcissistic person who gas lit me like no other. I PICKED UP EXACTLY WHERE I LEFT OFF BECAUSE I NEVER WORKED MY PROGRAM PROPERLY.
Then, on 1/4/22 I was in a horrible car wreck that should've killed me, BUT GOD SAID NO! I was blessed to have made a friend in Dr Drew who put me in touch with Jason Wahler and Jaana Woodbury from The Red Songbird Foundation and it was there that I really started to do the work. I took the time to find what had me spinning out of control. I went through intensive treatment that I wasn't ready for and left California abruptly. Since then, I have put my life back together and now have friends who have shown me a better way and that the light at the end of the tunnel is always on, even when we can't see it. I Have come to learn that not everyone wants something from me and that I am not any of the bad things people said I was.
Today I work with a therapist named Mary that has turned my life around and I will forever be grateful to Jason, Jaana, and Garden State Recovery for pouring into me when I couldn’t.
-Renee Graziano
Published September 26, 2022