The Steep Cost of Codependency
The Steep Cost of Codependency
By Brandy Ledford
Codependency, as defined by Merriam-Webster is: “a state of mutual dependence between two people, especially when one partner relies emotionally on supporting and caring for the other partner.”
The word that sticks out for me in this definition is “RELIES”.
To rely on someone else for my happiness, to depend on them for my well-being, to make them responsible for my feelings has consistently and without fail been a recipe for disaster in my life.
I have felt guilty saying “No” out of fear of what the other person will do if I don’t submit to their will. Setting boundaries and standing up for myself does not come naturally to me because I didn’t grow up in an environment where it was safe to express needs or wants, or more importantly to firmly stop the things I didn’t want.
A result of denied feelings and not being believed created codependency in my relationships to such an extreme that when I left my first husband, I had no idea who I was. I lost my personhood in him, my identity. I gave him everything he wanted and at the end of it had very little of myself. I couldn’t even have told you what my favorite color was back then. His was black, so mine was black.
I did everything the other wanted in order for them to like me, approve of me, want me. I exchanged my own agency for my longing to feel part of.
This cost me my self-worth, my self-awareness and my freedom.
It took a few years in sobriety and a lot of reading and learning about this disease of codependency to learn who I am and how to be who I am- shamelessly.
I still have tendencies to people please but now it comes with a heart of generosity and I always make sure that I am aware to never give too much of myself away that I lose myself. You see, to me the refuge is in the awareness. It may still be hard for me to set boundaries but I still set them and the gift I get in exchange for learning how to rely on myself for my own happiness is self-respect and freedom.
-Brandy Ledford
Published July 15, 2021